


The Break Up Playlist

by silent12reader



Series: Twice [6]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Break Up Talk, F/F, Post-Break Up, Someone Help These Two, headcanon twice, lol i love angst, lots of break up lines reference
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23015866
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silent12reader/pseuds/silent12reader
Summary: Tzuyu and Sana had been dating for a while and Sana being flirty and cuddly to everyone has been a topic of arguments here and there. But Tzuyu draws a line when she had to sit there and watch Sana be lovey-dovey with Dahyun on V Live for a long period of time, so in the verge of emotions she breaks up with Sana.When Sana and Tzuyu broke up, Tzuyu finds herself while Sana loses herself. Sana struggles to navigate with her heartbreak, eventually becoming friends and finding her bearing back.Or the Satzu Angst no one asked for. Side Elkie-Tzuyu(ElTzu?), Side Saida. Headcanon!Twice
Relationships: Chong Ting Yan | Elkie/Chou Tzuyu, Chou Tzuyu/Minatozaki Sana, Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana
Series: Twice [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1598986
Comments: 32
Kudos: 83





	1. TRACK LIST

**Author's Note:**

> What’s that? Someone asked for a Satzu angst?? Alrighty… XD No but really, Sapphires, it’s your classic Satzu angst (but I don’t think I’ve ever read a heartbroken Sana before so here’s a try! Hope you enjoy it!) This is also inspired by that time ElTzu went on a date and Saida posted a pic right after XD
> 
> This is a companion piece of this one-shot: Maknae Line is a Challenge (posted in asianfanfics, i'm not sure if we can post links)  
> /story/view/1195472/13/13-v-live-struggles-par
> 
> Anyway, look at it for an overview but if you don’t here’s a quick summary: (but read it!! It’s worth it!!)
> 
> Tzuyu and Sana had been dating for a while and Sana being flirty and cuddly to everyone has been a topic of arguments here and there. But Tzuyu draws a line when she had to sit there and watch Sana be lovey-dovey with Dahyun on V Live for a long period of time, so in the verge of emotions she breaks up with Sana. They work things out eventually.

****

* * *

**The Satzu Break-Up Playlist.**

  1. [I hate you, I love you (feat. Olivia O' Brien) - Gnash](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtLtZoCwquw)
  2. [Six Degrees of Separation - The Script](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCT6Mu-pOeE)
  3. _



* * *

_ What’s that? Someone asked for a Satzu angst?? Alrighty… XD No but really, Sapphires, it’s your classic Satzu angst (but I don’t think I’ve ever read a heartbroken Sana before so here’s a try! Hope you enjoy it!) This is also inspired by that time ElTzu went on a date on Valentines and Saida posted a pic right after, and let's not forget!! When Tzuyu posted a selfie(!!) only to promote Elkie and again, a Saida pic right after XD _

_ This is a companion piece of this one-shot: [Maknae Line is a Challenge](https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1195472/13/13-v-live-struggles-par) _

_ Anyway, look at it for an overview but if you don’t here’s a quick summary: (but read it!! It’s worth it!!) _

_ Tzuyu and Sana had been dating for a while and Sana being flirty and cuddly to everyone has been a topic of arguments here and there. But Tzuyu draws a line when she had to sit there and watch Sana be lovey-dovey with Dahyun on V Live for a long period of time, so in the verge of emotions she breaks up with Sana. They work things out eventually. _

_ But in this fic, **didn’t.** (Also, Dahmo isn’t dating) _

* * *

_Thank you[ **aristocratis**](https://www.asianfanfics.com/profile/view/1226493)for this AMAZING poster. I was literally in Satzu writers block and this saved me <3_


	2. I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU

**Part 1:** _Losing Her_

* * *

**_And now all this time is passing by_ **

**_But I still can’t seem to tell you why_ **

**_It hurts me every time I see you._ **

**_Realize how much I need you._ **

* * *

_The one thing…_ one thing _, that Jihyo had asked when you both came out as a couple to her was, “What happens when you two break up?”_

_Full of hope, you were quick to say, “Don’t be silly. We won’t break up.” You squeeze Tzuyu’s hand when you see her eyebrows crease and her lips fall into frown._

_“That’s nice, Sana. But if you do, what happens? What happens to the group?”_

_“It’s not like we have to break up the group, unnie.” Tzuyu says quavering. There’s a small sense of pride that you felt when she spoke up. She was very worried about what your members would say – especially Jihyo (you’ve never understood why Jihyo’s opinion had always mattered the most to Tzuyu), but you reminded her it’ll be alright. Because Twice is a family, and they’ll be supportive… Jihyo… Jihyo is just a little rough on the edges, you guess. (And she’s being protective of Tzuyu – extra protective)_

_“That’s my point, Tzuyu. We cannot break the group. So, when things get rough…--”_

_“Yah! Why can’t you be supportive of us? We were supportive of you—” You don’t like her tone. You don’t like Jihyo was suddenly ready to wreck the wall you and Tzuyu had worked hard to build._ _Does she even know the sacrifices you made to get Tzuyu to love you back?? Why can’t she just be happy that ‘her’ Tzuyu has found the love of her life?!_

_“Because I know the two of you. And how… you love. So, if you two break up,” she paused, and took an extra step to hold Tzuyu’s hand, “it’s gonna ruin you. It’s gonna be so painful.” Her eyes full of worry when she turns to you, “You could be naive and say you'd still be friends, but you can't. At least not right away. Because it will hurt so much you will feel like you’d rather die than experience that heartbreak. We live under the same roof. It’s not like you can get away from each other to heal—”_

_“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there…” Realizing what you just said, you were quick to correct yourself, “If we get there.” You say sternly, equally standing ground, you want to end the conversation badly. You came bearing good news and Jihyo was ready to pop your bubble talking about break-ups and how much it will hurt. Like?? She couldn't wait at least a week after to tell you that?? A month maybe? Or well… maybe when you’ve had your first fight?!_

And you chuckle bitterly at the memory.

What _did_ happen when you two broke up?

Tzuyu was the one who pulled the trigger.

_“Let’s break up.” She said, barely a whisper._

_You had her pinned to the wall, but you found yourself drained when she said that. Like the words had sucked you soul. Like… Tzuyu snatched her heart back from you._

What?

_You had fights about this… but all those times, Tzuyu was never like this. **Never** like this. _

_No more words were said. They didn't need to be. It was a lost cause. It was too late. Because for all you know Tzuyu… when she’s done, she’s done._

_Memories, all you would ever have were the memories of what once was._

**_Break up… Over a freaking V Live._ **

_She couldn’t handle the jealousy. She hated being jealous and insecure—and honestly that’s the last thing you ever wanted her to feel, but what were you gonna do? You thought it was harmless: being touchy with others. You thought you can fix it, but she wasn’t even fighting anymore. Tzuyu just looked tired and just **done**. _

Now that you think about it, Chaeyoung did warn you. She warned you to stop being clingy to _literally_ everyone else so publicly… especially right in front of Tzuyu… _especially with Dahyun._

After one fight, when all was forgiven Chaeyoung had said, _“You’re making a mess in here, Sana-unnie. And you can’t see it. You fix this now, but every time you fight, you put a dent to Tzuyu. And one day, she’ll crack. One day, she’ll have enough and break up with you. And the worse? Is you’ve dragged Dahyun-unnie as well. So, she’ll blame herself too. So where does that leave **me**? Where does that leave the rest of the group? You’re gonna make us choose?”_

But Tzuyu…

Tzuyu made the decision for everyone else. She had secluded herself from the group. Gave you the space you needed, even if it was hard… living in the same dorm and all, _seeing each other_ every day. Breathing in the same space… Having the same friends – _that._ That, exactly was what Jihyo was warning you about.

Because just as Jihyo had warned the both of you: it will be painful, heart-wrenching, and suffocating.

You wanted to erase the memories, and start fresh. You wanted to forget the stolen glances, the hand-touching, the sneaking kisses, and the secret cuddles you two gave each other at night – but really, you just wanted to get over the heartbreak. But you miss her too much.

Sometimes you take your chance. When you’re out in public and you see the cameras recording. You hug her, steal a kiss from her: making it seem like it’s innocent. You know she couldn’t resist you there.

But the slap in the face is when she’s returning the affection to someone else but not you. When she ignores you when the cameras aren't there to record, when the fans aren't there to cheer for you.

When she starts spending her free-time to the Chinese-speaking ‘crew’ more than the group, it starts settling in.

Momo was the first to complain about it, using slurs of Japanese you couldn’t even follow. “How stubborn does she have to be?”

“She probably needs the space as well.” Mina replies.

But you’re there… speechless. Wondering if you should reopen the album full of your pictures together or see if anyone online had seen Tzuyu. Was she having fun? ~~Without you?~~

“Well she wouldn’t need the space if she didn’t break up with Sana, would she?” You understand why Momo was getting hostile about this. Because she’s probably missing Tzuyu the most (next to you probably). Tzuyu was quick to pull away from her, saying Momo was your bestfriend first. And it’s _ridiculous_ really. And you saw how Momo looked like a kicked puppy every time Tzuyu would pull away from her.

“Just because she was the one who broke it off doesn’t mean she’s not hurting.” Mina defends Tzuyu. And you’re quite not sure why. You didn’t think they were that close. If anything, you’d expected Momo to come to Tzuyu’s defense.

You ignore the pained look the members give your way. You didn’t want them to choose a side. But it was quite obvious that most of them picked you – surprisingly even Jihyo. (Probably because Tzuyu wouldn't let them choose differently) Your leader had assured you countless times. That Tzuyu will come back. That Tzuyu loves you… _That—_

Because really, you’ve been telling yourself that. But just like how you two started… it seems like you were the only one loving her, and she was just accepting your affection.

Later that night at the privacy of your room, Mina joins you in your bed and hugs you.

“She cried to me before she went out.”

You were silent. Staring off to the ceiling, trying not to cry, or lash out – you’re quite not sure what to feel these days.

“I told her… that I’m there for her. That we didn’t have to talk. Just that, I’m there. If she needs someone… That she doesn’t have to cut us off. And she cried. She didn’t say anything. So, I know she’s going through it as well.

I couldn’t possibly understand what you’re going through. And know that I’m not choosing a side… Just that… _Before_ she breaks it off. Before she gave up on you… _Whatever_ you think happened, she put up a fight. Okay?”

You feel the tears falling even before you can stop them, and Mina just held you quietly, tightening her hold on you.

You don’t hate Tzuyu. Not really.

You **can’t.**

**~~If anything, you just want her back.~~ **

* * *

You two were never alone in the same room, never stood next to each other (and at the rare chance that you are, you keep an acceptable distance with each other, not even taking a glance): it's silent and awkward.

You try to distract yourself with music, movies, stupid K-dramas, but it doesn't work. You can't focus, you feel alone. _~~Cause when Tzuyu broke up with you, she took her heart back and it left a void inside you no one can ever fill.~~_

* * *

**_I hate you, I love you_ **

**_I hate that I love you_ **

**_Don’t want to but I can’t_ **

**_Put nobody else above you._ **

* * *

If you were in the stages of grief, then at this point you’re at Anger.

You wanted to rub it in her face on what she’s missing out. Or really you just want to spark jealousy and maybe Tzuyu will snap and take you back.

Momo think it’s your worst idea _ever. (_ Which is saying something). Because Tzuyu’s jealousy is the reason why you two broke up anyway. But _damn it,_ you just want to get something from her. _Anything._

So, you go on a date with two idols in the past three weeks. Making sure to post it online, for everyone to see.

You were being extra clingy and touchy (you were sure to actually kiss Dahyun). And Chaeyoung… If looks could kill, you would have been murdered by Chaeyoung by now. But you don’t care. If it’s the only way to forget about the heartbreak, and for Tzuyu to _even glance_ at your direction. You would do it.

But one time, when Chaeyoung had finally got the courage to hiss at you, “Why don’t you just stab her heart while you’re at it.”

You snap your head back to her and shot daggers at her, “She’s the one who broke my heart!”

You two avoid each other after that.

* * *

Dropping your hand, you took to pacing the floor, unable to stay still. The longer you left it, the less chance you had of intervening if you finally made the decision to do so.

Closing your eyes tightly, you fought the wave of emotion crashing against you. It was pure torture.

"Stop being such a fucking enigma, Tzuyu!" You scream at her, your voice wavering in frustration, "Just for once in your life, fucking _tell_ me something—anything! Stop _fucking_ with my head!"

"I don't know, okay?" She cries. "I just don't know what I'm supposed to _say_!"

You begged her to take you back… it’s almost pathetic. But you’re at Bargaining.

You press yourself against her, kissing her forcefully. You can feel the tears in your face… and hers. And everything about this is just _heartbreaking._ She tries to push you away, but this is not the time she will out-power you.

You remember: all the times that you were together, every inch of her pressed into yours, and her taste in your mouth as she comes undone. Her sweet nothings, your name slipping smoothly from her lips... and the rare but precious, _I love you._ The shy smile, and when her eyes travel across the room just to seek yours _in secret._ All those things you have taken for granted.

It goes on and on and on, until you can't breathe anymore; until your whole body is numb. "Just take me back. I’ll do anything."

She doesn’t look away this time, doesn’t wipe away the tears, “That’s what you said last time.”

“You’ve never broken up with me before.”

“Then this should tell you… _I had enough.”_

* * *

Chaeyoung corners you the next day, and you’re actually tired to deal with her so you say, “Not today.” Tzuyu’s rejection is still bitter in your mouth, still fresh in your memories, replaying over and over.

_I had enough._

But she’s relentless, “Don’t ever do that to her again.”

You roll your eyes at her and said, “Can you just give me space, Chaeng? I’m tired. I’m really just tired.”

She takes a step near you and say, “She is too. So, stop messing with her head. Why can’t you just be friends?”

You glare at her because sweet summer child Chaeyoung would never understand, “I still love her.” And exes don’t ever just stay friends. Like??

“Could’ve fooled me. Weren’t you making out with Dahyun-unnie last month? Wait that was just a fling. You did go out with Eunha-sunbaenim this week though, or was it—”

“I would rethink your next words if I were you.” You growl at her. “I’m not gonna apologize for how I choose to fix what she had broken.”

“If that’s how you deal with your heart break, then that’s fine. But it’s not how she deals with hers. So just stop. She doesn’t want you anymore.”

“Did she ever love me?” There it is. The question you’ve been asking.

The short girl looked pained, as if unsure whether you were ready to hear her answer. You waited patiently, though, knowing you needed to hear it. “Of course, she _did._ ”

“Just not the way I love her?”

Her look on you softened, “If she didn’t feel the same, she wouldn’t be hurting this much. But just like you said, she shouldn’t apologize for how she chooses to fix what’s _already broken_ either _._ So please. If you love her, if you _really_ love her, you’ll let her go. She’s drowning with you, unnie.”

_She’s drowning with you._

Well, Nayeon did say Chaeyoung gives some heart-hitting truths.

* * *

You were folding your clothes diligently when you hear a knock at the door (which is weird for you because it’s always left opened)

“Unnies, do you want to play Mafia in the basement?”

“W-what?”

It’s the first time you had talked to her, and you suddenly forgot your Korean… You saw her blink a few times, tightening her hold in the door knob. She licks her lips before continuing, “Mafia at the basement? Dahyun-unnie and Chaeyoung are making snacks.”

You feel the thick tension in the room. She was looking at you… _only at you._ Even when the rest of your roommates are in the room. At the corner of your eyes you see Nayeon had put down her iPad looking at Tzuyu then to you. Mina and Jihyo don’t even know where to look.

You realized…

That this is Tzuyu extending an olive branch.

She was the first to pull away, to break free. And now… she’s the first to get back on her feet.

“S-sure. Let me just finish this.” You found yourself answering. And Tzuyu looks like she’s breathing easier.

Nayeon heaved a sigh, not being subtle about it.

Tzuyu nods, then softly turned away.

You found yourself sitting in your bed, your knees becoming weak. Jihyo and Mina were quick to come to your side, asking if you’re okay.

Nayeon followed slowly, but with a smile in her face (you’re not sure if she had failed to see your discomfort), “Sana, this is great, right? She’s… she’s reaching out?”

Jihyo glared at her but turned to you, “Are you sure you’re ready?”

Nayeon groaned, “Sana please! It’s been so long since all of us had hang out after you two broke up, aside from pretending we’re all happy-happy on stage. Can you please try?”

“Unnie, can you be a little considerate?” Jihyo snaps. But Nayeon stood her ground, “I was… for four months. And I would continue to walk on egg shells around you two—with Tzuyu practically dashing out the room as soon as we’re not out in public. But the ball is in your court now Sana. And you wanted her back. Maybe not as what you used to be. But if I were you, I’ll take this.”

* * *

The Mafia Game was surprisingly… _fun._

The shouting and laughing were there… Killing off Dahyun first was there… You accusing everyone was there…

And you and Tzuyu? Weren’t awkward… Given you steal few glances here and there, and you looking away when she notices, but other than that… It was fine?

It is perhaps a little bizarre how smoothly all this has gone. You wonder if it's because the nature of your relationship has always been so casual. It's been light and fun and everything you and Tzuyu wanted.

It's odd, you think, falling into this kind of dynamic with her so easily, but you both laugh and talk, and laugh some more until your heads hurt

You were telling Jihyo about it. That you’re hopeful. Not too hopeful. But hopeful enough that it would stop hurting. That you and Tzuyu will be friends again.

"Whoops," Jihyo whispers to you one night, kissing your hair. " _Everybody's_ a little bit in love with Tzuyu."

* * *

At a window of opportunity (at least from where you stand), you corner her. She’s drunk, her first time to get this drunk if you remember correctly.

And then you’re leaning in closer, her lips hovering over yours, and you want so badly to just lean in and kiss her frantically, to just rip away your clothing and offer yourself to her—because she's _Tzuyu_ , and right now, you're merely holding onto the last bit of your almost non-existent self-control.

"I really want to kiss you," you confess, darting your tongue out to swipe across your lower lip.

"Don't. Please," she tells you—almost helplessly. "Because I really don't know what I'd do if you did."

"I miss your lips," you sigh, pressing your forehead against hers. "And I miss your skin, and your tongue, and your pulse, and your warmth, and the way you _taste_. I just—miss _being_ with you."

She smiles sadly. "That is probably the _worst_ thing you can say right now."

You mirror the twitch of her lips. "Forget what I said, then—I'm just glad I can have you like this." You hug her, burying yourself in the nook of her neck so you can fight the urge to kiss her.

* * *

“I’ve missed you too, _Sana,”_ she tells you and your heart hurts and flutters at the same time, “But I can’t… get back together.”

“ _Why?_ ”

“I just can’t. I really don’t have anything else to say that wouldn’t hurt you more. And I’m tired. Tired of hurting you, tired of hurting.”

An uncomfortable silence falls between the two of you until it's broken by a broken sob and it takes you awhile to realize that, that sob left _your_ throat - and god, you promised yourself you wouldn't cry over her anymore, but that look she's giving you is making it impossible to do so.

"What if we can’t get pass this? What if we lose each other? Tzuyu, I’m so lost without you," you whimper. It's the most you've been honest these days. And you found yorself only being honest with her.

“We’re not gonna lose each other," she whispers as she pulls you in, and you wish you could push her away; wish that being held by her felt wrong—but you just can't.

Instead, you hug her tight.

Once again, she didn't want you.

Sucking it up, you ‘ve decided.

You were done.

No more.

You could do this. You'll bury the feeling. If it meant having her this close, you'll take it.

Nodding, you agreed with her. You were an idiot, an idiot in love with a girl who would never love you back, and there was nothing more you could do.

You wanted to move on, to live life like you used to, back before things fell to pieces. You wanted to find excitement in the smile of someone ~~else~~. You wanted to experience the butterflies in your stomach at a simple touch. You wanted to fall hopelessly in love with their bewitching gaze.

It was not an easy process, but each day got better.

Better that you actually find yourself saying, you can do this.

* * *

There's something comforting about Dahyun.

Dahyun _reciprocates_ your affection. Doesn’t leave you hanging when you send love her way.

And when you break down and sob, she sings to you and holds you.

This is why you love her, why you always will.

It worked well enough.

But when you kissed one night… _actually kissed one night._ You didn’t stop to think about Tzuyu. This time you welcome the idea of you and Dahyun.

Normally, that was a good thing, but not tonight. You could feel it coming, her curiosity getting the better of her, and you knew her questions were going to make you uncomfortable. She wanted to understand you, which you couldn't blame her for, but you just wished she knew better than to ask.

"She’ll hate me." she whispered, kissing her way up your spine. It was a pretty good distraction technique, but not one you would fall for.

"She wouldn’t mind." you replied, turning your head to look at her a little better.

“It’s… Isn’t that why you two broke up?” It was a dangerous question to ask with possible volatile consequences but it’s already out there.

"Didn’t stop you from undressing." You tried to fight the scoff waiting to follow up that question, but it was tricky.

"She’s… she’s like a sister to me, Sana. I sleep every night with her in the same room. I… there has to be some rule about not dating your friend’s ex.”

“Again, _didn’t stop you from doing this._ " You tell her, almost in a teasing tone.

“I wouldn’t have if she didn’t tell me it was okay.”

You ended up laying there in silence, mulling over her words. Tzuyu… told Dahyun it’s okay? _What the fuck?_

“I asked her…--" But her words were blurred in your ear, her kisses now feel like nothing.

All you could think about is _“How could she? How can she just give you off like that?”_

* * *

“So, let me get this straight. You’re pissed that Tzuyu is basically telling you to date her friend?”

“Yes”

Jeongyeon groans and hits you lightly (not really), “You have the most unproblematic, drama-free ex ever and you’re complaining? Sana, just because you don’t have problems, doesn’t mean you would go and start one.”

You slap the bottle back to the table harshly and glares at her, “Who said I don’t have problems?”

“She’s still not over, Yoda.” Momo pipes in, unhelpful.

Jeongyeon just shrugs, “Really? Couldn’t tell by the way you’re draping over Dahyun. Well, you know what they say. The best way to get over someone… is to go under someone.” Jeongyeon wiggles her eyebrows and you shove her back.

But before you fall asleep (actually sharing the room with Jeongyeon and Momo because you’re afraid that Jihyo will scold you for drinking), Momo whispers into you as she cuddles you, “Okay, I don’t know if you’re serious but please if you decide to do it with Dahyun. Please make sure you’re in the same page.” You turn your body to look at her, and you look at her eyes in curiosity, “If one of you gets hurt… it will rip off the band-aid we just put in your break up with Tzuyu.” She sighs before continuing, almost nervous about crossing a line, “We’re finally moving on. Finally going back to normal. But yeah, no more breakups?”

Guilt comes over you. A reminded... That this is not just about you. It's about everyone else too.

* * *

You were back home in Japan for good week rest. And you saw Tzuyu was reading your group chat and before you can stop yourself, you dialed her number. You don’t think if she would answer, but you’re really hoping she would.

“Hey.”

“Hi? It’s late.”

You chuckle, “I’m only ahead of you by 1 hour.”

“Yes… it’s 12:48 here…”

You’re biting your lip and trying hard not to smile. But at the privacy of your room, you smile unrestraint. “How was your first day back home?”

“What?”

“I miss you. I wanted to hear about your day.” You know it’s threading in thin line but you don’t care. It’s always been how you are. And… Tzuyu is your drug. No matter how she pushed you away, how she tells you No, how Nayeon reminds you to keep it lowkey: to stay as friends. You can’t help it. She was your guilty pleasure.

“We agreed to be friends, unnie. Just friends.”

“What? Friends don’t miss each other? Friends don’t ask about each other’s days?” You were teasing her, and it’s borderline flirty… but you _can’t_ stop yourself. It’s almost guilt-tripping you… the knowledge that she will never hang up on you because she was molded to be respectful. Oh well. She had Jihyo to blame for that.

“We were together this morning...”

“Uh-huh… and now it’s 16 hours without you. So how was your day? Really it could be anything… I just need to hear your voice. Or I don’t know? Do you think we can FaceTime?”

“Unnie… we… _can’t_ do this.”

“Why not? I’m not _flirting.”_ Not yet. “I just miss you. I’ll call Chaeyoung next but I know Mina’s talking to her now and they take hours. Then Dahyun. Then Jihyo. Happy?”

She was silent for awhile and there’s a slight pull in your heart thinking she had hung up. But then you hear a ding, you realize she had connected her camera.

_She agreed to facetime._

The screen changed and you see her lying in her bed with Gucci in her side. And she's so beautiful, you wonder if she's real.

You end up talking that night for three hours. Every time she would say she'd hang up, you would whine and beg her not to, telling her you actually can’t sleep because the bed feels unfamiliar.

It feels good.

To do this one more time.

It's obvious it means something to you both, but it doesn't necessarily mean enough to mean anything at all.

Like you'd said, you were in love with the memory, and reality sucked.

* * *

"Don't," you murmured, shaking your head slowly.

You knew it was coming. You knew she would move on. You knew she was done with you. Damn it, you knew this was going to happen. It was only a matter of time.

“It’s probably nothing.” Mina says quickly, coming on to your side.

_Nothing._

You scoff. There were pictures of them together seen by fans, _clearly_ having the best times of their lives… and Elkie… Elkie had posted pictures of Tzuyu, (Things you wished…. _Oh God,_ you wished you could have done at least once) and Tzuyu was sending pictures of _Gucci_ in the group chat.

 _It's almost like a mockery._ It’s been three days, and _you_ know, hell, _everyone_ knows Elkie is there with her in Taiwan. Why can’t she just state the obvious and say she’s having fun with her _bestfriend?_

That’s all you needed to see. For Tzuyu to call Elkie her _bestfriend_ and nothing more.

But no.

Tzuyu is sending pictures of her beloved dog to your group chat telling them how all their gifts were loved (probably ignored) by Gucci and that her parents invite them to visit Taiwan next time.

Like, _okay,_ Tzuyu. We get it. You love Gucci with every fiber of your being. Now tell the group about your _hangout_ with Elkie.

You love that dog, and okay, maybe there was one point you considered Gucci as part of dating Tzuyu. That when you visit her in her hometown, you’d buy treats and clothes for Gucci. And you and Tzuyu would look at pictures of dogs and sees what fits you the most.

But now… she’s probably doing that with Elkie.

Was she there when you were on FaceTime with her? The thought hits you.

And it hurts. _Oh God_ it **still** hurts.

Your mind couldn't handle it. By this point, you knew that your body couldn't handle anything relating to Tzuyu. Everything she was involved in, even remotely, was overwhelming for you. It was as if she kept short-circuiting you, causing your head, your heart, to malfunction.

You run towards the bathroom and you vomit.

* * *

After seeing _them_ together, it shook you, rattled you in your cage, and you knew it is serious. You had nothing but memories, painful and loving memories.

When she got back, you give her a day before you corner her, "So... You and Elkie are going strong, huh? When do you plan to make it official?"

"Unnie... Do you really want to talk about this?"

"Yes."

"I don't know. We haven't talked about it. Maybe soon."

“I know you weren’t gonna wait forever… but really, Tzuyu? Elkie?”

“We broke up a year ago… and you… you and I are back to normal.” 1 year, 7 months, 4 days, but who’s counting?

You looked at her sharply and swallowed the lump in your throat. "How long are you gonna punish me?"

"What?"

This is it. She’s here, and you have to say it. Otherwise you’ll explode, otherwise you’ll regret it forever. "Tzuyu... if you want to be just friends, then fine. I’ll be your friend. I can take being this close to you and yet not being with you. I can take not kissing you, not hugging you, not waking up next to you. Not cuddling you. Hell, just not being _with_ you. But if you start doing those with someone else... It's gonna kill me, Tzuyu. I will die."

Her eyes are sad but her eyebrows crease, "How do you think I felt when you did _exactly_ that just months after we broke up?”

“Those weren’t real! I’ve only ever loved you!”

"And Dahyun-unnie? You've never loved her?" A punch in the gut.

But you were never able to handle your anger very well. "That's rich coming from you! Dahyun said you practically pushed her my way!"

She grits her teeth, "Because. I thought you love her! And If I'm losing you to her, then that's fine with me. It hurt, but it's fine."

"It's different! The way I felt for her and for you."

She raises her voice as well, “Well, that’s not what I felt.” Her words cutting deep.

But you’re on a roll. "So how long are you gonna punish me?"

"Sana--"

"Just tell me what to do so you can forgive me, and we can get back together!"

She shakes her head fervently, "No--"

But you were stronger, "Tzuyu, how long do you need? Is a year not enough? Do you need another more?" You try to hold her hand, to keep her still.

But she’s taking a step back from you, "It's not time--"

No.

This is not how it’s supposed to go.

"Then what is it? Don't tell me I don't need to change anything, or that this is what I am-- Tell me something! Tell me what I need to do to get you back-- just please, Tzuyu! I love you!" The words were out of your mouth before you can stop it.

You see her stunned, opening her mouth to say something but nothing comes. And the frustration grows more in you. You take a gulp and say, firmer this time, “I still love you.”

You didn’t know how long you were standing. But it felt like minutes.

Then she moves. She takes a step towards you. But her words meant the opposite, “I’m not…” A pause, she licks her lips, and every second she delays this is scaring you, “I’m not the girl you used to love.”

You hold her hand and squeeze it, your other hand cupping her cheek, “You think I haven’t noticed? I know you’ve changed. And I still love you.”

She’s looking at your face, but her eyes would always find yours. It’s a sign… that she’s choosing her words. _Not a very good sign._

“I’m sorry.” She kisses the corner of your mouth. Somewhere close to your lips but never allowing herself to touch it. “I’m sorry, Sana _. I can’t do this again_.”

Her breath hot against your skin, her words burning you.

You see her eyes water and you know it’s only a matter of time before she turns away. So, you savor it. You look at her, every inch of her trying to remember her. Trying to see if there’s a sign she’s holding back.

But before you can see what you’re looking for, she starts turning away, turning away from you.

When she had her back against you and starts taking steps, you grab on to her, back-hugging her, begging her not to go.

Last time you didn’t fight for your relationship, and you realize this might have been a little too late. But if you lose her now, then you feel like you can never get her back.

“Don’t do this to me, Tzuyu. Please. I know it’s selfish… but please… Give me a chance. Give us another chance. Tell me what you need. I’ll work hard to give it to you. Just please don’t this to me.”

_I can't do this again._

She pulls your arm around her forcefully. And you feel her breathing hard against you.

"Let's end this _please._ " You hear her whisper. "Let me go."

You didn't think it was possible... to top the pain you felt when you broke up, or when you saw them together... This... This was unbearable.

You cluth your chest. The pain is unbearable. And the look in her face... you know it will be etched permanently into your memory.

It's over. It really is over.


	3. Letting Her Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone talks about letting go and moving on. If only it was that easy...

* * *

**_Part II: Letting Her Go_ **

* * *

**** **_First, you think the worst is a broken heart  
What's gonna kill you is the second part  
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle  
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself  
_ **

* * *

For Tzuyu’s part… she tried her hardest to hide her relationship. In hindsight, you wouldn’t even know about it if you didn’t see the pictures, or if you didn’t confront her about it.

No one has mentioned anything about it. Even Chaeyoung. You would think if Tzuyu wouldn’t rub it in your face ~~that she’s someone else’s now~~ , then Chaeyoung probably would. But no. She hasn’t.

Still, the pain hit you harder than the first break up. (If you would call it a second break up)

You _really_ don’t know how else you were functioning.

Before, there was a _slight_ tinge of hope in you. A slim chance that she’ll come back and take you back. That she’s just taking her (sweet) time, to get over the pain and the misplaced insecurity. Maybe taking the long way round.

But how can she find her way back to you when she hit a full stop?

Elkie… is not just a thorn in your side. Not just a bump in the road.

She’s… _a full stop._

And _worse…_ She’s winning your friends over.

_“She’s nice, Sa-tang…” is what Momo said. They were out together one afternoon and you glower at her, feeling fully betrayed. "You would've liked her."  
_

_“Whose friend are you?” You hiss at her._

_“Yours. But I’m Tzuyu’s too. And you told me we shouldn’t choose.”_

_“You don’t have to choose between me and Tzuyu! But not between me and her!”_

_Mina was there trying to calm the both of you. And you never wanted her to be stuck between the two of you._

_“No! I stuck by you! I stuck by you all this time. Even when you dated Dahyun, I stuck by your side even though every inch of me wanted to slap you and tell you to give Tzuyu a break! To give everyone a break! Why don’t you just move on, Sana? ‘Cause I know it hurts but everyone else has moved on already.”_

_“Don’t say you know my pain just because you see me hurting!”_

_“I may not know what it feels like to break up with someone. But I know the pain of seeing your bestfriend, someone you love the most be ripped to shreds everyday. I want you to move on so you’ll stop hurting—"_

_“I’m trying Momo! But some things you can’t control, no matter how hard you try!”_

_You felt the tears coming. The only way to keep them at bay was to find the anger that’s sustained you and push back with it._

_Everyone talks about letting go and moving on like it’s easy. Like it’s just writing your feelings on a paper and burning it, ‘till none of it is left._

_Breathe in, breathe out, is what they said._

_If it was that easy… you would’ve moved on long ago._

* * *

**_You fake a smile, ya, lie and say  
You're better now than ever and your life's okay  
But it's not, no_ **

**_You're doing all these things out of desperation_ **

* * *

“You’re holding out a candle for her, aren’t you?”

_“What?”_

“It’s an expression. It means—”

“No, I know what it means. I just don’t know what _you_ mean.”

You wanted to love Dahyun _differently._

Not _more_ than you love Tzuyu. Just _differently._ Just _uniquely,_ that you _don’t_ think about something else—anything else when you’re loving her. Because that's what she deserves.

But you’ve let Dahyun in so _easily_ that you’re afraid she can rip you just as fast.

“You’re still waiting for her. Even when she’s happy with someone else, you’re still _waiting._ ”

You wanted to say maybe this would be a lot easier if they stop reminding you. Instead you say, “If you give me time, I can—"

“Why don’t you get your closure?”

_Closure?_ You hate that word.

* * *

You try not to be a bitch when apparently Tzuyu and Elkie are on a ‘break’. You're playing your part as Tzuyu's unnie, not a very grateful ex. So really, you're not about to plaster a Cheshire smile at the younger's clear distress. Oooh the irony.

There's drinking and everyone cheering her up, and you would think it's ridiculous how Chaeyoung is circling Tzuyu like a guard dog, making sure she was never alone with you. Chaeyoung was the only one who took Tzuyu's side after the breakup. You don't know what Tzuyu told her, don't know what's going on in her mind. You think it's because you sorta dated Dahyun for a while that made her choose between the two. But as far as you know, Tzuyu had practically pushed Dahyun your way. So really, it's no one's fault but Tzuyu?

So you pamper Tzuyu (just like everyone else) But just as expected, Chaeyoung corners your when you were in the kitchen getting drinks.

"Stay away from her."

"I think it's ridiculous what you're doing Chaeyoung--"

"Tzuyu and Elkie have been together for 7 months, and this is only the 2nd time she's cried because of her. Do you know how many times she cried when you were together? Even right after? The problem here is you don’t even know how much you’ve hurt her. What you and her have is nothing compared to what she and Elkie have now. So stay away from her, Sana-ssi. If you as much as touch her fingertips, or a stray hair in her head, I swear I will hurt you. I would really, beat the crap out of you. So stay _the fuck_ away from her."

You hate every thing she had said, and the hostility from it above all. You don't deserve this hate. So before you can think, before she can walk away from you and get away with talking to you like that, you grab her by the shoulder turning her and slap her face hard. You slap her hard that your right hand left an imprint in her face.

It shocked her, and it shocked you too. You’ve never laid a hand on anyone in your life.

But what irked you more is that she wasn’t mad, wasn’t hurt... If anything, she looks satisfied. Like you've just proven her point.

You absolutely hate it.

Not Chaeyoung. Not Tzuyu... And when you think about it, not even Elkie.

You just hate what she had said.

Have... Have you hurt Tzuyu that much?

That much for Chaeyoung to hate you?

That much for Chaeyoung to have said all that?

_What you and her have is nothing compared to what she and Elkie have now._

You scoff. It can't be. You and Tzuyu were together for more than a year! You were the one who broke through Tzuyu's walls. Her first kiss. Her _first._

You were the one who _practically_ molded her into the _best girlfriend_ that she is for Elkie.

It can't be.

You broke up because you were clingy and touchy with others and you were being public about it. It's the only reason.

_Before she breaks it off. Before she gave up on you… Whatever you think happened, she put up a fight._

Have... Have you really hurt Tzuyu that much?

You end up getting drunk that night. You were angry.... At yourself for not seeing it.

**_I can't do this again._ **

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

What did you do wrong?

All these times, you were so focused on Tzuyu ‘getting over it’, on Tzuyu giving up on you, that you didn’t even ask _why_ she did.

By the end of the night you were about to vomit everything you have just drunk. You were never a drinker. But you’re hoping the bitter feeling will come off as well.

The bathroom is locked and you were waiting for your turn. When the door opens though, you were surprised to see Tzuyu.

She's stumbling out and before her face hits the floor, you caught her in your arms.

She was looking around and asks, "Where's Chaeyoung?"

You bit your lips trying to fight the remark, 'the hell would I know' But you simply said, "Not here."

"Oh. Okay." She answers plainly and tried to stand up on her own. You keep your hands to her arms just in case.

"Where are you going?"

"Uhm... To my room. I think I'm gonna go rest."

Without thinking, you say, "I'll take you."

She bites her lip. And you just know for sure Chaeyoung had told her to stay away from you. Like you're a predator. It makes your blood boil. Makes you want to prove her wrong.

* * *

**_Fifth, you see them out with someone else  
And the sixth, is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little_ **

* * *

You were tucking her in when you notice she had her eyes closed yet she’s smiling. Almost satisfied. It amuses you, because a part of you (that always belongs to her) knows what it means. "What is it?"

Still with her eyes closed, she says, "What's what?"

You chuckle, crossing your arms, "You have that smile. That 'I-know-I'm right."

Slowly she opens her eyes, "I have that smile??"

"Yeah." You sit beside her removing the stay hair in her face. You suddenly remember Chaeyoung’s threat. Suddenly remembers Chaeyoung can come anytime and pull you away.

She doesn’t answer right away. But you are patient, _always_ always patient with her. Then, she made an effort to reach out to you. To touch your hand. And _by gods,_ you could’ve sworn you felt a jolt run through your body, sobering you up.

Her voice is soft, _so_ soft that you wouldn’t have heard her. "Chaeyoung said I shouldn't be alone with you because you would try something."

_That bitch._

She noticed that change in your expression and squeezed your hand. "And I told her you're not like that."

This time, the gesture doesn’t have the calming effect it usually has. This time you’re _seething._ So you say in spite, "What if I am? What if I'm just waiting till you pass out before I have my way with you?" You put your hand on top of hers and slowly danced your fingertips to her arm

Your hand reached her shoulder, and keeping an eye contact, you slipped your middle finger in the neck of her shirt, circling it in the strap of her bra, your thumb now dragging along her collarbone. "Maybe I don't even have to do anything. Just take a picture of me undressing you or kissing you and send it to Elkie."

You _absolutely_ have no idea _what_ you’re doing. And the sober you would tell you _this_ is exactly what Chaeyoung is saying. But Tzuyu had always been nice to you, always been respectful of you. (The only thing she didn’t do-- _refuses_ to do is to give you another chance.) So really, the last _sane_ part of you, keeping you grounded would reason out you just wanted to see how far you can push her.

She hasn’t removed her eyes from you, there wasn’t even a change in her breathing with what you’re doing. She just says, "You're not like that. You... You wouldn't purposely hurt me."

And _damn it._ You wanted to cry.

Why is she being like this?

Why can’t she see it? _(That even in her weakest hour, she still has power over you)_

You bite your lip, trying _so hard_ to keep the hiccups from coming, from the tears falling. "If I can't have you, I'd rather no one else can have you."

She changes her grip in your hand, then brushes her thumb over your knuckles. "You're not like that.” _And then she smiles._ She smiles, and _that_ part of you would tell you it’s her smile only reserved for you. But you were so afraid to acknowledge it. _So_ so afraid.

“Even if you hate me, I know you will never do that."

It knocks the air out of your lungs, that made you pull back. Made you retrieve your hand (currently dancing along her collarbone).

But you don’t pull back fully. Not yet. Her face is just there. Her _soft_ face is just there and every inch of you wanted to touch her. (You just don’t think you have earned the right)

You breathe, barely managing to say, "You think I hate you?"

She nods, continuing brushing your knuckles. You realize your anger has dissipated, but your heart is still pounding in your ribcage. "Hmm... A part of you does. When I broke up with you. When I gave up on us. You've always hold it against me. And I've never truly apologized."

"What makes you think I hate you?"

"When you look at me? And you clench your jaw. It’s not longing, or anger, it’s different. I can’t explain. I just know. Just like how you know what my smile means.” She paused, even her thumb did and you almost say ‘Don’t stop.’

But you wait.

 _Always,_ you would wait.

“I'm sorry, Sana. For hurting you."

You bit your lip _again._ You might worry it’ll bleed. But instead, you felt _relieved._ But before you can let go of this _baggage,_ you say, “Can I ask… Why we really broke up?”

No more precedent.

Just that.

You wanted to know.

“You said you can’t do it again. What can’t you do again?”

This time, she didn’t pause, didn’t resume her ministration.

“I gave you my heart and you were reckless with it."

_What?_

There’s a change in her face. That _familiar_ look.

_I just can’t. I really don’t have anything else to say that wouldn’t hurt you more._

_I’m sorry, Sana. I can’t do this again._

She’s holding back. Always holding back.

You were both silent. And you wonder if this is the best time to have this conversation. Your heart felt heavier. It’s the same feeling as when she told you she wants to break up with you the first time. And the lesson you’ve never let yourself forget is that you shouldn’t let things be left unsaid. No matter how painful.

So with a shaky breath, you say, “What do you mean? Don’t hold back, Tzuyu. I’ve already hurt so much. Sometimes I still do.” A _sigh._ “Tell me. This time what you wanted to say to me. Every time, it’s like you’re having two-sided conversations. Things you wanted to stay aren't the things that actually comes out.”

She nods.

"Every time we would fight about it, about you showing affections towards someone else, I would say it hurts me. And you brush it off like it’s nothing. And you would do it again. _Over a_ nd _over_ again. Even though I told you many times it's not harmless to me. —"

You were gonna protest but she held you with a look so you kept your mouth shut. You remind yourself, you asked for this.

“You were taking pieces from me. Little bits, that I don’t even notice. And I let you because _I love you._ I told you many times how it’s affecting me. And you didn’t care. At least to me, it felt like you didn’t care. Everyday, I would think: ‘am I not enough?’, ‘Is she better off with someone else?’, ‘Does she want someone else?’ And I would change... for you. I wanted to be what you needed me to be.”

You were crying. At this point you couldn’t stop the tears anymore. You instinctively wipe it off, but noticed she was crying too.

_Do you know how many times she cried when you were together? Even right after?_

But unlike you, she wasn’t wiping her tears. She was just letting it fall from the sides of her face, wetting her pillow. Like she's used to it.

And you wanted to wipe it. Wanted to touch her face.

But you can’t.

Not now.

Not when she’s telling you how much you’ve hurt her.

You _don’t_ deserve it. _Oh God,_ how did you _even_ think you deserve her?

“I wanted to take you back.”

What?

“Many times, I wanted to take it all back and say, ‘I miss you. I love you. I _still_ love you.' But it hurts. It _still_ hurts. You were right. Things I wanted to say isn’t always what comes out. They told me I should heal first. So I kept a distance. I thought I was allowed that. I wanted to heal so I can come back to you. _But,_ I was healing _without_ you. How can I tell you that? How can I say I’m breathing easier without you? How can I say I can be myself without you? You used to be a breath of fresh air, keeping me a float. Then it felt like it hurts so bad to even be in the same room as you. _How am I supposed to tell you that?_ ”

_She’s drowning with you._

“I thought you would understand. You always do. _Then_ I saw how much you’re hurting. And I wanted to _stop_ it. _But,_ I remember. I remember I caused you that. I _am_ the cause of your pain.”

You realized you blame her for all of this: for leaving, for giving up, for _hurting_ you. But you’ve never allowed yourself to blame her fully. For a slight tinge of hope that she’ll come back, you wouldn’t hate her. So you’ve been telling yourself you _can’t_ hate her.

Only you _were_ hating her. Slowly you’ve buried it deep inside, like a seed planted. Calling it anything but _that._ But it grows. It grows within you like a vine gripping, wrapping your insides— _your heart._ Until it reaches your neck, choking you – constricting every time the thought of _her_ crosses your mind. And you’ve allowed it. You’ve loved it because you thought it’s part of loving her.

“I never apologized for that. I’m sorry.”

You were so focused on your pain… that you don’t even notice hers.

Finding the courage, you say, “I'm sorry... I'm so sorry I...--”

_This is it._

**Closure.**

You’ve dreaded it. Because you felt like having closure meant losing her. And you were so terrified of that. Terrified of losing her. That you don’t even notice… that you’ve lost yourself too.

* * *

You don't sleep with her that night—but you sleep with her, innocently coiled within the castle that is your blankets and your pillows and Tzuyu's warmth. And when you wake up, your eyes fluttering open, you find your body sprawled carelessly across hers, and her arms wrapped loosely around you, and it is at this point in time that you wish you can drown in the bed.

* * *

You were messing with Nayeon on the couch when there was a knock on the door. She pulled away from tickling Nayeon to get the door.

When you opened the door and realized who it was, you quickly shut it.

Nayeon looked at you weirdly, "Who is it?"

You were leaning on the door and you're quite embarrassed. You close your eyes willing to let it go away. But you realize you're not being mature about it.

"Sana?"

Before Nayeon can come close to you, you heaved a sigh and ready yourself. You look at the direction of the rooms and realize no one is coming out yet.

You turn and open the door, and you hear Nayeon gasp when she realized who it is.

Her eyes widen and she looks quite unsure, "Uhm... Hi."

You plaster your _friendly_ smile and return the greeting.

Before you can stop yourself, you cross your arms and say firmly, "Do right by her."

" _W-what?"_

You straighten your back and suddenly felt taller. "Do right by her. Not because I'll be here waiting if you don't. Or because there's 8 of us who would make it miserable for you, one of us who may or may not be part of the Yakuza, and _the scariest,_ one that will _actually_ break your bones with her bare hands. Trust _me._ I know. Do right by her because it's what she deserves."

There.

You said it.

You were holding on a thin thread, and you realized... that for all the love you have for Tzuyu, what you're hanging on to now, is not the hope you'll be back to each other, but _regret._ You should've treated her better, and you should've known better. But this girl standing right in front of you. She _can_ do better. And she _should._

Elkie was left there stunned, processing what you said. But she quickly shakes her head then nods fervently. "Yes. I'll do my best."

Then you hear someone clearing her throat. You step aside and let _Tzuyu_ come in sight. You don't even wonder _when_ she got there. You were busy _processing_ what you just said. Busy trying to calm your heart.

You can't read Tzuyu's face. She's looking between you and Elkie, and someone might say this is awkward. And by someone you meant Nayeon. And she's also saying something about going out and Elkie promising she'll bring her back at a decent time or something. You're _honestly_ quite not sure because you believed every Korean has left you. There's whizzing in your head. And it's the first time you're having a hard time organizing your thoughts and translating.

Nayeon gently pushes Tzuyu out the door, yelling to her to take all the time she needs. When she locks the door, she leans on to the door mimicking you and then she looks at you smiling.

You allow her to envelope her arms around you. "I'm proud of you, Sana. I want you to know that."

You nod and smile a little.

If she's happy... If Tzuyu is happy then this heartbreak... is worth it... _Right?_

* * *

**_Oh no there's no starting over  
Without finding closure  
You take them back no hesitation  
That's how you know you've reached the sixth degree of separation_ **

* * *

Tzuyu gets back together with Elkie and you decide that you're not even bitter about it. Tzuyu is young and she can have this. In her weakest hour, she trusted you.

You just have to trust her too.

That when she's ready, she'll come back to you.

**_~~(And if she doesn’t… If she doesn’t… then you’ll let her go. Only then will you let her go.)~~ _ **

This time... this time your response to her is more positive. The most positive that you've ever been. Some would think you're even _supportive._ Momo couldn't be any prouder.

She was always respectful of you. And you think it's time... to return the favor.

When your third anniversary came up... or what would've been your anniversary, you can't help but be antsy.

If there's a day you should do this, then this is it. This... this is how you'll wrap it.

Before the day ends, you ask her to go on a convenience store with you. You actually felt relieved when she said yes without hesitation.

The whole walk was silent. You barely exchanged words. But you realize it wasn’t awkward.

On your way back, you have your paper bag in one hand, the other buried in the pocket of your jacket. You’re itching. And for a moment you were convinced you wouldn’t have the guts to talk to her. _To do it._

But you recognize the street and you know you’re just about 2 blocks from your dorm.

So you halt and grabbed her arm before you can even think about the repercussions.

She stops, confused. She turns to you and tilts her head, “What? Did you forget something?”

You shake your head and you can already feel your throat tightening.

Still, you swallow the lump in your throat and say, “Tzuyu… I…--”

_Stop being pathetic._

“I got you something.”

_No._

She walks closer to you so your arms isn’t out stretching towards her. She stops in an acceptable distance. “What?”

A sense of nostalgia hits you. Reminding you of how it used to be for you. Right before you were dating you used to feel nausea every time you would confess or court her. But unlike then, there’s no excitement, no giddiness. Right now, it’s just pure nervousness and anxiety of being rejected ( _over and over again_ ).

You removed the small box in your pocket. Your hands were shaky when you hand it to her.

She looks at you confused.

“It’s our anniversary. Or would’ve been.” You say softly.

Her eyes widen and you know the rejection is about to come.

But you stop her, stop her before she can twist the knife and cut your deeper.

“This is not about asking you to take me back. I know you’re back with Elkie now, and if I were her, I wouldn’t have wanted you to receive this. But…”

You heaved a sigh before continuing, “Will you? For old time’s sake?”

She was silent, and you could already see the gears turning in her head.

“These feelings… I can’t just turn them off overnight. Trust me, I’ve tried. _Everyday,_ I would try. I’m _still_ trying. I promise this is not about us getting back together. It’s just that… can you just let me do this? While I can? You don’t have to reciprocate. I’m not asking you to. I’m just asking you to let me love you while I can."

It hurts. It **_still_** hurts. But you don't ever want to forget about this. Don't ever want to stop this. Because what you're feeling is _real._ Someday you can face her and it'll hurt less. But this... For now, this would suffice.

You smile as you continue, "I got you this for your birthday two years ago. But we broke up before that so… I’ve been holding onto this for quite some time now. Maybe… maybe it’ll help me. In… _letting you go._ ”

Hearing those words, you can see her grimace. And you’re quite not sure _why_ you’re being honest with her. But one last time, you’ll be honest to her. _To yourself._

_One last time, let me be honest with you._

For what felt like forever, she nods.

She slowly meets your outstretched hands and received the small box. She looks back at you, quite unsure and you nod, smiling (hoping it doesn’t look forced).

_She accepted it._

At the back of your head you know she would. Out of pure kindness, you know she would.

You watch her untie the blue ribbon and till she’s opened the box. You’re shifting your weight from one foot to another and you actually feel the moist from the paper bag and you’re sure the ice cream you got for Mina is halfway melting already.

But Mina can wait. She’ll understand.

When she brings out the small jar, she’s looking at it – inspecting it. You’re quite satisfied when you recognize the curiosity in her features.

"It's a Rose Quartz. A gemstone for love. I think it suits you. It symbolizes feeling loved by showing love. You've love everyone unconditionally, putting everyone first before you. It's also a reminder... to love yourself."

She unfastens the jar and puts the small stone in her hand. She picks it up with her other hand and put it up on her eye level.

"Thank you. It's pretty. I really like it." She smiles. She _smiles_ and you feel like it's all worth it.

You laugh... and _it actually feels nice._ The she laughs with you. You remind yourself... that _this_ right here. It's how easy to fall back into this dynamic.

“Can you close your eyes, Tzuyu? One last time?”

She doesn't do as as she was told right away. She's looking at you, and for awhile it felt like this is how it should be. She closes her fist around the gemstone and put in her chest. Then she closes her eyes.

You take a deep breath before coming close to her. You feel her breathing against your lips and your hand is ready to touch her face.

But unlike what you thought it should be, you won’t kiss her, won’t touch her. Unlike any other times you won’t _have_ her.

This close, you’ll _feel_ her. Even when you’re inches apart. You close your eyes as well, imagining what you could’ve been. Inhaling her scent. _Lavender._ The scent that’s her and hers alone.

When you open your eyes, it's like you see her differently. She's still there. Closing her eyes, with her hand on her chest, keeping your gift close to her heart. And you tell her that this... this is how it should be.

“Thank you, Tzuyu. I love you, _always._ ”

She opens her eyes too, and for a moment you were both staring into each other.

She nods, accepting your confession.

"Let's go home." This time you were first to move. The first to walk away.

And then you feel her hand reach for yours.

And you're quite not sure why she did it.

You're finally letting her go. This is what she wanted, right? ** _  
_**

You can't get yourself to look back. But you also can't bring yourself to pull your hand from her.

The next thing you know, she's hugging you from behind. It took you by surprise and it hit you like a fast train, that made you drop the paper bag you got from the convenience store.

"Thank you too, Sana. _For everything._ It's a privilege. Being loved by you."

Somehow it felt like a goodbye.

So you turn around and put your arms around her neck.You bury yourself in her, making sure she doesn't disappear. You're never the one to shy away from her affections.

"This is not a goodbye, right? You told me we won't lose each other."

"I promise. We won't lose each other. Never."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank everyone for taking time and dropping comments, even to just say they like the update. It feeds my soul. Really, I appreciate it. Hugs and Kisses. Stay safe!

**Author's Note:**

> I recently just boarded the El-Tzu train so be warned!


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